Baldness is a common condition that affects many men. It can lower their self-esteem and cause embarrassment. I would argue however, that a great number of men needn’t be embarrassed about it all.
There’s something about a man who is lacking in follicles but busting at the balls with charisma that drives the senses wild if I may say so myself.
Who can resist the charms of Dwayne The Rock Johnson, or the brawny masculinity of Jason Statham, and have you seen Stanley Tucci make a cocktail or flip a steak on the grill? These men make you want to start your hot girl summer in the spring.
Somehow, though, William Arthur Philip Louis Mountbatten-Windsor of Cambridge, was crowned Sexiest Bald Man Alive according to a study that was made viral by numerous online tabloids, most notably the Independent Online Newspaper and it’s tweet.
The world fell silent as we wondered what mass explosion happened that wiped out all the other sexy bald men. Perhaps they were all partying it up with models in Cannes, and their mega-yacht capsised. Thankfully, that was not the case, and all the sexy baldies were confirmed alive.
So how did this story come to be? The Guardian Newspaper gave us some insight;
“The answer is not, as some people wondered, Buckingham Palace’s PR department. Rather, the study was run by a medical tourism facilitator that connects UK patients with hair transplant surgeons in Turkey. Creating dubious surveys designed to generate headline-friendly results that get your company’s name in the news is a bog-standard PR technique.”
Prince William named as ‘world’s sexiest bald man’ t.co/7AAhLBEdKu
— The Independent (@Independent) March 27, 2021
Regardless, Baldilocks was dragged by his three hairs and the original tweet posting the article was ratioed all the way to Twitter purgatory, before it took it rightful place in internet hell.
To be clear, William isn’t bald because of some genetic deficiency, he is bald because his mother reached down from heaven and snatched her fine Spencer Genes back, Williams hair line was also snatched in the process. Rightly so, because if William wants to act like a Windsor, he shouldn’t get the privilege of carrying Diana’s pretty Spencer gene.
It’s hard to believe that William once resembled an actual Disney Prince, with a full head of luscious ashy blonde locks, blue eyes and rosy cheeks. Stress ages you, but so does having a rotten personality. Willy is no longer a prince in a magical fairytale, he is Bali-Locks-With-His-Three-Hairs, and every time he opens his mouth, his hairline moves just a little further backward, in a few months, it will be greeting the penguins in Antarctica.
During a recent visit to Ukrainian refugees, William exclaimed that “It’s very alien to see war in Europe”. The backlash came thick and fast, as did the UK press clean up, but for how long can they continue to cover for his excruciating tone deafness? The William Defense League is running low on gas because Willy can’t stop putting his foot in his mouth, and the international press is not part of the invisible contract. A disastrous tour in the Caribbean is just the latest in a string of hiccups, and it wasn’t too long ago Willy was complaining about too many African babies.
The British Press won’t let us forget that Harry once dressed as a Nazi despite the fact that he has gone above and beyond to show accountability, recognise the depth of his privilege and give back to underserved communities. William on the other hand, has continued to go unchecked, and has an entire press machine to hide his poor behaviour. Unfortunately for him, Harry and Meghan are no longer around to take the heat, and so Willy is getting boiled, fried and scrambled.
With a future future king who constantly fumbles and a Queen Consort who seems to just grin and mumble, The Royals are going to have to pull off the biggest rebrand of all time if they want to survive, and they got rid of the two people who could have helped them do it.
In conclusion: they should have been nice to Meghan.